


forgiveness... can you imagine?

by Anonymous



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Evan Buckley, Bisexuality, Questioning, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27650210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: He doesn’t know why it’s so fucking hard to say those three simple words.I am bisexual.It took him so fucking long to even admit it to himself though.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28
Collections: Anonymous





	forgiveness... can you imagine?

Logically, Buck knew that everything would be fine.

The team was extremely accepting. Aside from the fact that Hen herself was lesbian and married to a wonderful woman with her own little family, Buck knew for a fact that Chimney had volunteered last summer to standby as a medic during the LA Pride Parade and came off shift with a whole lot of glitter and paint and a couple numbers written on his arms. May had come out to Bobby and Athena earlier this year and of course, _of course_ , they had accepted her with warm and welcoming arms.

Buck knew that the people in his life would be nothing but kind and accepting about his bisexuality and yet—

Every time he tried to say the words, his throat closed up, his heart began to race and his palms began to sweat horribly. Fear made him freeze and he cowardly backed out of saying the words every time. Shrugging it away with a small smile and a distracting joke or rambling inconsequential facts until they got annoyed and quit paying attention to him.

He doesn’t know why it’s so fucking hard to say those three simple words.

_I am bisexual._

It took him so fucking long to even admit it to himself though.

Days and weeks of realization. Of denial, scoffing at himself, and refusing to believe that he’s _actually_ attracted to guys. Then, well, _fuck_ , apparently google told him that it is, in fact, quite gay to stare at other men’s asses and have his heart start to race whenever a particularly attractive one gives him a friendly smile. Then, he began to have his, well, gay panic over realizing that he does find men and women quite pretty.

This led to a google dive that put the research he did into natural disasters to shame.

According to google, his discovery of bisexuality at his age was actually quite normal. Of course, then he found an entire website dedicated to the different types of sexuality and spent another few days agonizing on all the other definitions and wondering if any of them applied to him better than just bisexuality.

Website after website assured him that there was no correct answer to how he felt. That if bisexuality was the label he felt most comfortable with, then that was perfectly okay. It was also perfectly okay if later, he changed his mind and realized that something else felt better. Sexuality was fluid, they said, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with the things he was feeling and it was part of the natural process of self-discovery.

Of course, then he started panicking, wondering if he would even still be accepted into the LGBT community. His stomach twisted seeing the warnings about the discrimination bisexuals faced even within the LGBT community itself. Maybe he was just being a fake. Was he making up these feelings just to feel a part of something? Was this somehow some kind of manifestation of his own loneliness? IF he came out, would he be shunned by the local LGBT community? His friends? His family? Would they label him a fake, straight man just looking for attention?

But then he thought about the little thrill of excitement he got thinking about going on a date with a man. The feeling of rightness that settled in his chest as he whispered the words, “I am bisexual”, to himself, late at night in dark with only silence to answer him.

And yet.

He thought of Bobby. The man he saw as a father figure in his life. Bobby was deeply religious and sure—sure, he accepted May without a second thought, got along grand with Michael but would—would he accept Buck in the same way?

Buck dreaded to think of those eyes staring at him with pity, gently telling him it was okay, that he was just confused, but everything would make sense eventually.

Or something worse.

So he said nothing, feeling strangely guilty for holding this secret so close to his chest—this big, important part of himself and his identity that he felt too terrified to share with even his closest friends.

He was a **_coward_**.


End file.
